Scratch that....

     Sorry I have posted in a few days, but I worked the last two nights and when that happens the only other thing that happens is sleep.  I talked to my nurse manager and to her that I would stay on as flexi, which to all you non-health care people means that I will work on an as needed basis.  She also put me on days, except for my weekend, which will still be nights, but when I go flexi, I will be working my weekend and that's about it, unless they really need me to work one day/night.  I just had this feeling that God didn't want me quit altogether.  I didn't feel at peace with quitting, but I need to be home more, so I did the next best thing by going flexi.  

     

     I had a meeting with Ethan's teacher to find out what seems to be the problem in school, and she told me that he has been distracted in class, not that he has been acting out but that he is distracted, and that is why he has been on red and yellow.  I personally think that's a crock.  She also told me that one day she said that she told him that she was going to call me to tell me he wasn't listening, and he told her "it doesn't matter, my mommy is sleeping, she doesn't care what I do".  When she told me that, I knew that I had to do everything I could to be home more.  It broke my heart to think that he thinks I don't care.  I started keeping track of when he is on yellow and red, and it seems that if I work one night, the next day at school he is "distracted".

     I finished the scarf I started.  It turned out really well,  I gave it to my grandmom.  I am thinking about making things and selling them on Etsy.  Has anyone sold anything on there??  I figure crocheting is something I like to do and why not sell some of the things I make and make a little extra money while I am at it.  I found a cool website for some freebies...when saving money, why not get things free...it's Get it Free and you can also try Walmart freebies

    

     We're going to go to church for the first time in years.  Ethan went to church once on Easter when he was little baby, and he is kind of excited to go.  We're going to the baptist church up the street from our house.  It feels good to get back there.  It just feels right, you know.  I will post how it goes tomorrow after we get back from the Space Center.

Step one

     Well, I took step one to my journey to happiness.  I gave my notice.  In my heart, I just don't feel that hospital nursing is for me.  I'm not really sure what is.  I like helping people, so that's why I thought that nursing might fit, but I don't like having to rush from patient to patient.  I want to be able to get to know my patient a little other than knowing them as their room number and what time I have to get back in there to give more medication all the while trying to take care of five other things at the same time.  Someone told me I should try home health since you do get to know the patient, I might give that a try, but I want to get back into school.  I know, it seems like I am always in school or changing something up.
     I think that I am going to go back to school for education, I'm not sure though if I want to be a pre-k or kindergarten teacher or just an aide.  If I do make it back to school, I don't know how long I might actually do whatever it is I decide to major in.  I seem to have a restless soul.  Whether it is changing my hair color or style, to changing a room around or anything else I change constantly, it never seems enough.
     I have to be honest, I am terrified that I made the wrong decision in quitting before I have it set in stone what I am going to do next.  And that I messed up our chances to get a home loan.  But I have to put my trust in God that I will land on my feet, and that he will come through for me once again.  If this miscarriage taught me one thing, it is there is a God and he has a plan for each and everyone of us.  The steps that lead up to me finding out that the baby died are too coincidental.  I had to change my appointment to the 6th because of work reasons and if I would have went on the 3rd like I was supposed to the baby would have had a heartbeat, Ethan wanted to go to meet his brother/sister, and Ethan couldn't go because I missed school for being sick, so he didn't have to see me fall apart.  I have to say the situation sucks, but I am thankful for the way it played out.  Sorry, I seemed to have gotten off topic, but I just had the need to share that with you.  Now that we will be working with one income come the end of February (unless I find something else) I have to get serious about not spending money, which if you know me you know how hard this will be for me.  I am still looking for good sites, and ideas for doing just that.  Once I get a list together I will share it with you.
 

Take the time

Since I have started this blog, I have had people calling, emailing and texting me to see if I was okay.  Some of these people I see every day and they say "I thought you were the happiest person I know" or something like "You always seem so happy."  That just goes to show you that you never really know someone.  It actually kind of reminds me of the story about the girl who was on her way home from school and she was going to kill herself, but someone befriended her on the way and she changed her mind.  Please understand that I am not going to do anything that drastic.  I am too strong, and stubborn enough to change my life.  
It just amazes me that people are either to busy, too self involved or just don't care to really look past the forced smile.  I understand that people have their own lives, but if you are going to be a "friend" to someone take the time and listen to what they are not saying.  I'm not even really sure where I am trying to go with this other than if you are going to be a friend to someone take the time to really be there for them.

Ok enough with the preaching.  I wanted to share my bucket list with you and possibly get some more ideas from you guys. I'm not sure how to make a new tab to put my list in, so I'm just going to copy and paste it here.

Bucket List

1.  Get into shape
2. Run a marathon
3. Go skiing in Aspen CO
4.   Go to the space needle
5. Visit Mall of America
6. Vacation in Maine
7. Go camping in the mountains of TN
8. Travel around in Europe
9. Learn to speak Spanish
10. Live on the beach
11. Live in a large house with a wraparound porch
12. Start my own business
13. See the Northern Lights
14.  Learn to dance
15. Get Ethan into Karate
16. Get back into Drama, and be in a play
17.  Learn to swim
18. Go to Carnival in Rio
19. Go to Mardi Gras
20. Learn to shoot
21.  Go to a professional football game
22.  Ride a real train with Ethan
23. Go to Bora Bora
24. Have a veggie garden
25. Learn to meditate
26. Go to school for early childhood education
27. Own a sail boat
28. Go fishing
29. Learn photography
30. Go to a Broadway play
31. Honeymoon in Europe for a week
32. Get remarried in a Church
33. Have three kids
34. Go to a cooking class
35. Go to Times Square on New Years Eve
36. Go to the Mummers Day parade
37. Go to the Macy’s Day parade
38. Go to the Outback
39. Create a time capsule
40. Read to pediatric cancer patients
41. Read the entire bible
42. Learn to sing
43. Go whitewater rafting
44. Get laser eye surgery
45. Stay at a b&b
46. Join a disaster relief effort
47. Stand next to a redwood tree
48. Go on a hot air balloon ride
49. Learn to crochet
50. Be more creative
51. Start a blog

Realization

     Sorry I'm posting so late, I taught myself to crochet tonight; it was on my bucket list, but I'll get to that later.  The title of this post is realization, probably strange I know, but it fits.  On Saturday, the day after I got my life changing news, in the middle of crying and praying for help or guidance or anything that might help me understand, I heard or thought "open your eyes" (I'm almost positive that I heard this because why would I think something like that).  And in that moment I realized that I was miserable.   Yeah you read that right I was miserable, not only in that moment but in life in general, and I have been for some time.  It was kinda like when  Wile E Coyote suddenly notices that he is in mid-air and about to plummet to the ground.  I should have noticed how unhappy I was just by my answer to, "Did you have fun on the cruise?"  Who can go on a cruise for a week and when you get back every time someone asked how it was, you say "eh, it was alright."  Me that's who.  I remember growing up thinking that I wanted to be like Roseanne Barr, you know she said what she meant and meant what she said, well lately I could have taught her a thing of two.  I knew that I needed to make some changes.

      So, I started a bucket list.  I put everything that I ever wanted to do, mostly it is traveling but it made me feel a little better, dreaming about what I might be able to do one day.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I would follow each one up with a plan on when and how I was going to get these things done.  On that list was to learn to crochet, that probably makes me sound old, but I think it's cool to make something and have people comment on it.  So I taught myself tonight, it wasn't so hard, but it is time consuming, I mean I only got about 3 inches of my scarf done.  Anyway, this post isn't about crocheting, but going into Wal-Mart and buying my yarn and needles put a smile on my face.  

     After making my bucket list I started thinking of ways that I could save money so that if I really want to we could live off of James's income.  I even emailed a good friend of mine and asked her how she does it, she seems to have everything and she seems sooo happy.  I wanted just a smidgen of her happiness and she said somethings that made me rethink about things that I "need" and things that I "want".  And that I don't have to keep up with "the Jones'" to be happy.  Most of the "Jones'" are getting divorced, because they don't take time for each other, and I don't want that. 

      I remembered a saying that I heard somewhere, being happy is an conscious decision.  After realizing that I was sooooo miserable I started making myself pretend to be happy.  My grandfather used to say, fake it till you make it, and today I didn't have to fake it so much, and that's a start.  

      I'm going to compile my list of things I'm going to try out to save money, and I'll post them later.

     Good Night All.

Getting to know me...

Hello, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Dessie.  I am 28 years old, I am happily married to James and have been for the past five and half years, and I have a five year old little boy named Ethan.  I live in a small rural town, on the Eastern Shore of Va. Before we moved to the Eastern Shore, we lived in Norfolk, where there was shopping malls, places to eat; other than McDonald's, or Hardee's.  Here on the Shore there isn't really anything around to do or see unless you like to fish, and believe me I am not the type of girl who likes to fish.  To me fishing is casting the line and letting my husband bait the hook and if I am lucky enough to catch anything take it off for me.  At first I didn't mind not having anything to do because I had a newborn and we were just getting to know each other.  Well, five years latter I mind!  I am originally from Jersey, and I miss the mall, I miss going to a theater, I miss just about everything.  If I want to go to a mall I have to drive over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel, which costs $17.00 if I come back within 24 hours, or drive two hours north to Maryland.  Don't get me wrong, it's a good place to raise a child, or so far it is.  James has the best job he has ever had and that's the reason we're still here, other wise I would have high tailed it out of here before now.

     I am starting this blog as a cheap therapist.  I have recently had a miscarriage, and it changed my perspective on life. It forced me to think about things that I have just either ignored or have chosen not to see.  For instance, Ethan has been having a hard time at school, not academically but his behavior is awful.  I have been in to talk to his teacher countless times, and nothing we have tried has fixed the problem.  I am just now realizing that he just may be acting out so that he gets attention at home.  I work nights so on the nights that I work I only see him for about two hours, and James well he's not really a hands on kinda dad.  I know he loves Ethan and all that good stuff, but he just isn't there unless it's to yell.  My grandmother makes sure that he gets to bed on time, and that he gets on the bus on time and that he has had a bath and well, you get the picture.  I am not trying to put James down, he just doesn't know how to be there, from my understanding James's dad wasn't there for him.  

     Actually if I think about it working nights is also putting a major strain on my marriage.  When I work I see James for about an hour then I'm out the door.  Before I worked nights I had the energy to cook every night, make sure the house was clean, laundry was done and things of that nature, now I just want to sleep when I am home.  Someone told me that working nights means that you have 20% less energy.  I believe it, you can't really sleep during the day because you know there is so much that you have to get done when you wake up before you have to run out the door again.  I am kicking around the idea of not working nights, but I make more money on nights, so I'm not sure yet. 

     Well, now that I have rambled on for so long, I want to give you an idea of what is to come...more rambling I'm sure, I want to find ways to save money, so that we might be able to make it on one income, so I will be sharing anything I find, I want to get back to God, so I will be sharing my journey, and well just the general day to day.